Saturday, August 9, 2014

Three Ways Motherhood Changes You

1. A bed full of naked people is not what you thought it would be. 

2. Neither is a bathtub full. 

3. And speaking of the bathtub. 

3. You considered a home water birth for your second, but the tub is full of sticks, packing peanuts, and toys, so you do the hospital thing again. 

3. You pray much more often than when you were childless. (Mostly in the form of exclamatory prayer. Jesus help me!)

3. You love your kids so much, you decide to stop charting. 

3. Your kids scare you so much, you learn two new methods of NFP. 

3. You hate charting so much, you actually do stop. 

3. Then you realize you have a serious reason to postpone, so NFP it is. 

3. A bug doesn't scare you if you're alone with your children, but if your husband is there you beg him to kill it while holding your children back to protect them. 

3. Instead of showing up at a party with a 6-pack, you bring tiny watermelon jello shots with a lime peel as the rind and tiny chocolate sprinkles for the seeds because you can't stop Pinteresting. 

3. And then you realize you forgot the alcohol, so they're just jello watermelon slices. 

3. Which is fine because now you can eat more than two without getting wasted. 

3. You forget that you used to constantly suck in your stomach and you start doing it again for all of two seconds. Then you just decide to wear looser clothes. 

3. You sleep with one eye open. 

3. Actually, with two eyes open. 

3. Because you're lying in bed awake. 

3. You count to three so often that you've forgotten the rest of the numbers. 

There's room for one more baby. After that I will lose count. 

Disclaimer: Yes, I actually was already aware of the fact that I am not funny. 
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