Thursday, May 28, 2015

A Hard Day

Today was a really hard day. I can only assume it's cabin fever getting to the kids because we have been without a car for months now and trapped inside because of rain this week. I don't really know for sure. But they are just off the wall with getting into stuff. 

First of all I was so tired today with being 8 weeks, I definitely have fatigue and the morning sickness going on all day doesn't give me much motivation to be an active mama. I upped the dose of unisom and b6 trying to fight off the nausea but all it did was make me tired beyond belief. I couldn't get out of bed, and had to take two naps just to make it through the day. Add pregnancy hormones to the mix and its just the perfect recipe for a horrible day. 

The worst of it all is that it's mostly Lenny getting into stuff and at 4 years old he definitely knows better. On top of that he instigates Carolina into doing bad things too. Just a few highlights of the day-

Lenny colored on the underside of the table and on the white carpet with a sharpie. I don't even know where he got it from but he knows not to touch sharpies!

At least five jumbo spills of juice, milk, and water as Lenny keeps going into the  fridge to get whatever he wants. 

Half the hand soap in the bathroom squirted out into the floor. 

Lenny gave Carolina dry erase markers that he got from the kitchen drawer and she colored all over the white table legs and chairs. And herself. 

Lenny snuck into the pantry and got a yogurt covered granola bar which I guess he decided he didn't like because he smeared and ground it into the kitchen chair. 

Also the kids went into the bedroom and squirted out some diaper cream and rubbed it on themselves. 

Normally I try to have somewhat of a sense of humor about these things but today I was just beat. Ever since I've been sick it's like the kids saw their opportunity to act out and ran with it. Especially Lenny, he normally keeps out of things he's not supposed to touch but lately he has been so disobedient. After each incident I have given him very serious talks. He knows he's not allows to get into the kitchen cabinets or fridge without asking. Just a few days ago I had to hide all the scissors because he kept getting them out and cutting up all sorts of things. Since we moved into this house the rule has been that the bedroom and bathroom doors stay closed but several times a day I find one or more wide open because he has gone in to get into something. 

Time outs, withholding privileges, whatever kinds of punishments I can come up with are not working. I know he can listen because he's done so well in the past. But this combination of his boredom and my inability to supervise everything he's doing has got some really crazy stuff going on. 

Really, I know it's mostly my fault because I'm not following him around like a hawk or taking him out to do fun stuff and get his energy out. It's just the early pregnancy sickness and fatigue that stop me from getting anything done, I can't even get dressed or do the dishes so I sure as heck can't be a "perfect mom" right now, whatever that is. I know in a few weeks or months I will be feeling better, and by then we should have a new car (hopefully) and everything will go back to the way it was. It's just the here and now that is so overwhelming and hard and makes me feel like a huge and total failure. 

There's nothing like small children to bring to light all the very worst parts of yourself that you've so successfully hidden from the world your whole life. 

Selfishness? Yeah, they will make it so obvious how selfish you are when you look up from your phone or your book or whatever me-time it is that you "deserve" and see that you have kids who need more of you. All of you. 

Anger? Kids will definitely be able to pull off multiple stunts throughout the day to make you blow your top and realize that you get frustrated too easily and react too quickly. 

Pride? Kids will make you look like a fool in public, make you wonder what other people think of you and your parenting choices, give you a flabby stomach and stretch marks and make your greatest accomplishment of raising children look like an unfulfilling circus act of changing diapers, cleaning floors, and making sandwiches.  

Kids hold up a mirror that shows you just how ugly you are inside, all the sins that you can sugar coat and explain away get magnified and you can see just how much these sins have a hold over you. We've gotten used to living out our own personal sins in socially acceptable ways. We gossip, complain, flip off other drivers, tell white lies, and at the end of the day we get to say, it's not that bad. Kids take away all our reserves. Our patience and understanding get all worn down to nothing and underneath it all is just a picture of you all naked and alone chained down by every vice you allow to have a grip on your life. 

And here I am, running on empty. The fatigue and nausea and everyday routine have left me with no reserve to keep my anger and selfishness from coming to the surface. This seems like a bad thing but really it is an opportunity to grow. The only way to fight against the sins in your life is to confront them at their very worst. When that last drop of spilled milk seems like the right time to throw in the towel, spank the crap out of everybody, and lay down and weep, that's when I can look in the mirror and see myself at my worst and fight against myself with all I've got.  And when I try, and fail, to change 100% and be the perfect person I want to be, I have the strength to say, ok. I'm not there yet. But I am a little bit closer, and that I can thank God for. 

Thank you God, for the trials and struggles that lead me to see myself for the sinner I really am so that I can turn to you for help and rely on my Savior and not on myself. You have given me the weapons of prayer and sacrifice and as long as I use them faithfully I'm sure to win the fight. Knowing this doesn't make it easy. In fact it's hard as hell. Parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life because it is the most important thing I have ever done in my life. The harder it is, the more I realize that I'm never going to be able to do this own my own. But with God, all things are possible. 
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